Sadly, the cat in this picture committed suicide two days after the photo was taken. The humiliation was just too much.

John McCain is older than . . .

John McCain is older than Pop-Tarts! That's right, he's that old. I heard in on NPR which was playing part of a Youtube piece so it must be true with sourcing like that.

There were a number of things that the piece listed John McCain being older than. Oddly, the Pop-Tart one was the one that resonated with me.

But, then I started thinking: Am I older than Pop-Tarts?

How old are Poptarts? I figured Pop-Tarts are about as old as toasters.

Toasters are probably about as old as electricity. I know I'm not older than electricity. So, I'm not older than PopTarts.

But, this raises the question: Is John McCain older than electricity?

Of course, there is a webpage.

The truth rears its ugly head: According to Wikipedia, I am older than Pop-Tarts. Pop-Tarts were introduced in 1963. I was introduced in 1961. Sometimes I hate the internet.

Adventures and the lack thereof

"Adventures are all very well in their place, he thought, but there's a lot to be said for regular meals and freedom from pain."

That pretty much sums up the past few years of my life.

This is a test

What did you notice first in the above picutre?

a. The bulging bicep
b. The bulging undies
c. The stove

Intelligent Design I

I believe in intelligent design.

I was once religious, very religious I guess.

My concept of a designer does not comport with the concept of "god" in any organized religion that I am aware of.

I believe that evolution is the primary driving force behind life on earth.

I do not believe that evolution can account for all life on earth.

(More to follow)

Gratuitous beefcake:

For all the Optimists

You've been reading the newspaper again, haven't you? I warned you about that. Also, you've been listening to those cable news programs, or checking in with NPR, yes? I knew it. And now you are in despair. You think you are entirely screwed. And you're right. Sorry.

Do you own a home? Congratulations! Your home is now worth less than it used to be. I hope you didn't do anything foolish with regard to interest rates on your home loan, because you could be in trouble. No, you probably are in trouble. And the government is going to save you! It's going to send you $600! Isn't that nice? Is that enough to make any difference? Of course not.

So go blow it on consumer electronics or designer shoes. We need to get the economy going, and your patriotic duty is to spend, even if your mortgage is shaky. Some misguided people might be telling you to save money because eventually you will be very old and will need it, but you're not going to get old, are you? I know I'm not.

Oh, but suppose you did all the right things and you have a fixed-rate mortgage or maybe your home is even paid off. And you invested in nice, safe stocks. Oops. Well, those aren't doing so well, are they? Somebody's getting rich on the stock market, but it isn't you. Are you keeping your money in cash? I hope it's not in a bank. Banks aren't doing so well right now, in part because they lent money to people who aren't nearly as responsible as you are.

You could have told them it was a bad idea, but they didn't ask you. Why? Oh, you know, quick profits. Short-term thinking - the kind of thinking that you, as a prudent American, have been avoiding. Apparently, prudence is one of those virtues they preach to the rubes to keep them quiet, like patriotism or piety. Oh, if you had only been imprudent and stashed the money in the Bahamas.

Why didn't you become the CEO of a fabulously imprudent company? That's where the real money is.

That's all right, you're employed. You've worked hard and you are a valued employee. And yes, oops again, where did your job go? You've been downsized or outsourced. Your skill set has become outmoded. Or perhaps you are a younger person, and you have the energy and optimism of youth. I hope you have a wealthy family, oh young person, because the job you're going to get won't pay for your daily muffin.

But the service industry is so fulfilling, yes? Plus, you get to wear that cute little vest. Or maybe you are a young person with a profession, and $100,000 worth of student loans, and you are working 19-hour days and taking abuse from your superiors, all of whom are crabby because their mortgages cost more per month than they make.

Just a hint: Don't count on that pension. It's invested in the same junk that everything else is invested in.

Oh, and here's the best bit of advice: Don't get sick. It's such a bad idea. If you have insurance, you will immediately realize that getting sick involves going to war with your insurance company - and it's supposed to be on your side. Have you seen its ads? And your insurers are fighting you so hard because their stockholders are demanding ever higher profits, and if they don't deliver, the stockholders will sell and the stock will plummet and they'll get fired too.

Won't that be exciting, working at the Olive Garden right next to the woman who refused to authorize your chemotherapy payments?

You could always marry well. Don't marry a rich and powerful man, though, because the next thing you know he's been videotaped nuzzling someone named Amber, who is a professional nuzzler. And don't get divorced, either, because there's serious financial hardship involved. And kids - don't get me started. You know about goody bags? Oh, you'll weep.

Maybe that disease you get could be immediately fatal. That may be your best option. That, or musical comedy.

By John Carroll

Unclear on the Concept

Granted, he probably doesn't have much occasion to wear a tie, still he's way off the mark. He really needs to learn how to tie a tie.

A San Francisco Microcosm

I live in a fourplex.

It is inhabited by six men.

All six men are gay.

Two of the men work in porn.

One considers himself a pornstar.

Four have bigmuscle.com/bigmusclebear.com profiles.

One wants the world to know that he's a really great cocksucker.

One is on disability.

One works in IT.

Just Say No

This is one of those instances when the model should have just said "no, I'm not going to wear this, you can't pay me enough to wear this."

Couldn't top it

I had a post in mind, but, it couldn't top the conversation I have going on over at Roblog. Rob sure knows how to get a conversation going, even if it isn't the conversation he had in mind.

An example of why San Francisco Urban Planning Doesn't Work

More so than most cities, San Francisco interest groups advocating in the housing and homelessness areas seem to do more harm than good. Redevelopment in some areas has been stalled for years because competing groups oppose every effort other than their own. At times, its nothing more than knee-jerk reacting in the name of advocacy. Cooperation and compromise are generally in short supply. Open mindedness is apparently not politically correct.

The following is a case in point.

Hunter's Point is a part of San Francisco in desperate need of redevelopment. Part of the necessary redevelopment is tearing down some old housing projects and replacing them with new construction of public housing units and market rate units. San Francisco has some bad history from the 1960's when the housing projects were torn down and the former residents were completely displaced.

At particular issue right now in a development called Hunter's View. Hunter's View consists of 267 units. 110 of the units are boarded up. Of the remaining 157, 116 of them are in danger of eviction for delinquent rent or other reasons.

The City and the Mayor, Gavin Newsome, have acknowledged problems with the eviction process and the calculations of rents. They also announced plans to deal with the problems. Despite this, both were criticized, sort of.

Sara Shortt, director of the Housing Rights Committee, a tenant advocacy group, praised the city's plan to get Hunters View residents up-to-date on their rent, but also questioned the mayor's motive.

"The city is stepping in and cleaning up the mess the Housing Authority has created, and that's a really positive thing," she said. "But at the same time, I think the mayor's working to prevent the political backlash that would occur if a flood of residents were evicted at the very first Hope SF project."

Source: SFGate

Note that Ms. Shortt cites no problem whatsoever with the Mayor's plan. She doesn't even have a helpful suggestion. Nonetheless, she feels compelled to question the Mayor's motives without any apparent basis for doing so. The last time I checked, wanting to avoid political backlash was a rather important part of the democratic process--its called making your constituents happy.

Axis of Almost as Evil (Reprint)

I really couldn't come up with anything of my own to write today so I decided to repost something witty someone else wrote. Six years after it was originally written it is just as relevant and funny. If you want to read something original, pointed and funny, Rob's March 5 post at Roblog.

ANGERED BY SNUBBING, LIBYA, CHINA
SYRIA FORM AXIS OF JUST AS EVIL
Cuba, Sudan, Serbia Form Axis of Somewhat Evil; Other Nations Start Own Clubs

Beijing (SatireWire.com) — Bitter after being snubbed for membership in the "Axis of Evil," Libya, China, and Syria today announced they had formed the "Axis of Just as Evil," which they said would be way eviler than that stupid Iran-Iraq-North Korea axis President Bush warned of his State of the Union address.

Axis of Evil members, however, immediately dismissed the new axis as having, for starters, a really dumb name. "Right. They are Just as Evil... in their dreams!" declared North Korean leader Kim Jong-il. "Everybody knows we're the best evils... best at being evil... we're the best."

Diplomats from Syria denied they were jealous over being excluded, although they conceded they did ask if they could join the Axis of Evil.

"They told us it was full," said Syrian President Bashar al-Assad.

"An Axis can't have more than three countries," explained Iraqi President Saddam Hussein. "This is not my rule, it's tradition. In World War II you had Germany, Italy, and Japan in the evil Axis. So you can only have three. And a secret handshake. Ours is wicked cool."

THE AXIS PANDEMIC

International reaction to Bush's Axis of Evil declaration was swift, as within minutes, France surrendered.

Elsewhere, peer-conscious nations rushed to gain triumvirate status in what became a game of geopolitical chairs. Cuba, Sudan, and Serbia said they had formed the Axis of Somewhat Evil, forcing Somalia to join with Uganda and Myanmar in the Axis of Occasionally Evil, while Bulgaria, Indonesia and Russia established the Axis of Not So Much Evil Really As Just Generally Disagreeable.

With the criteria suddenly expanded and all the desirable clubs filling up, Sierra Leone, El Salvador, and Rwanda applied to be called the Axis of Countries That Aren't the Worst But Certainly Won't Be Asked to Host the Olympics; Canada, Mexico, and Australia formed the Axis of Nations That Are Actually Quite Nice But Secretly Have Nasty Thoughts About America, while Spain, Scotland, and New Zealand established the Axis of Countries That Sometimes Ask Sheep to Wear Lipstick.

"That's not a threat, really, just something we like to do," said Scottish Executive First Minister Jack McConnell.

While wondering if the other nations of the world weren't perhaps making fun of him, a cautious Bush granted approval for most axes, although he rejected the establishment of the Axis of Countries Whose Names End in "Guay," accusing one of its members of filing a false application. Officials from Paraguay, Uruguay, and Chadguay denied the charges.

Israel, meanwhile, insisted it didn't want to join any Axis, but privately, world leaders said that's only because no one asked them.

Copyright © 2002, SatireWire.

---

Author's note: Strangely enow, this SatireWire story lately has been zipping around the 'Net attributed to John Cleese. That's flattering and funny and all, but now I'm getting so many emails asking who "really" wrote it that it will make my life easier to nip it here. I apologize for any disappoinment, but the story was written by Andrew Marlatt. It first appeared on SatireWire on Feb. 1, 2002, and was subsequently published in several major newspapers, including this version still available at The Washington Post. So that's the deal. All the best -- Andrew.

Back to Top

Texas--its a scary place

I hope Texas Republicans remember that the best way to show their displeasure with John McCain is to stay home on election day.

(CNN) — John McCain clinched the Republican nomination tonight with big wins in Texas and Ohio.

But looking at the exit polls out of Texas — a state McCain must carry in the general election to win the presidency — trouble remains for the Arizona senator.

Despite the fact McCain is certain to carry his party's banner in the general election, he only narrowly carried Texas conservatives over Huckabee (48-40 percent). They made up more than two-thirds of all Texas Republican voters, and it is imperative they show up to vote for McCain in November. Also, McCain only managed to tie Huckabee among late deciders, another indication many Republicans aren't ready to rally behind McCain.

Another troubling statistic: More Texas Republican voters said they were looking for a candidate that shares their values over any other quality — and those voters picked Huckabee by 25 points over McCain (57-32 percent).

Translation: McCain captured his party's nomination tonight, but he still has a lot of work ahead of him to convince the base he's their guy.

Gays angry about Mayan enemas

Proof that no matter what you say or do, you're probably pissing someone in the gay community (or some gay community) off.

Cultural Anthropologist Outrages Gay Activists

(Washington) A firestorm has erupted in the wake of a paper cultural anthropologist Jared Diamond presented to the Mesoamerican Anthropological Association (MAA) last month in Washington, D.C. Diamond, a MacArthur fellow and National Medal of Science winner, claims to have found the function of Mayan artifacts that have puzzled anthropologist for decades. "Archaeologists have been wondered what the purpose of the long slender tubes they have found in Mayan excavations. I have now solved that mystery," reported Diamond. "The tubes purpose finally became clear to me when I discovered painted vases showing scenes of the tube's use: to administer intoxicating enemas. The vases depict a high-status figure, evidentially a priest or a prince, receiving a the enema in the presence of other people. The enema is shown as connected to a bag of a frothy, beer-like beverage--probably containing either alcohol or hualucinogens or both."

Diamond's revelation is not sitting well with some members of the gay community. Some, such as Master Wilbur of the New York City Recreational Enema League, claim that Diamond is attempting to denigrate a gay cultural practice that originated among gay men in the Nineteenth Century. "[Diamond's paper] is just another attack the role gays. No one should take his suppositions seriously. Obviously the man has an anti-gay agenda," said Master Wilbur. Master Wilbur went on to say that, "Recreational enemas originated among gays--end of story. Besides, everyone knows that beer is pretty useless as an enema."

The response by the Southern California Enema Coalition (SCEC) was more moderate. However, its 11.5 members (members of SCEC who self-identify as slaves are accorded only .5 votes) did unanimously vote to send a rebuttal letter to the MMA because Diamond failed to acknowledge that the persons depicted in the vases might be gay. At press time, the MMA had not decided whether to publish the letter in its journal.

So you want to be in gay porn?

My room mate works for one of the major porn studios here in San Francisco. One of his job duties is to cast and direct scenes involving fisting. At the moment he is searching for attractive, fisting bottoms. If you are interested, leave contact information in a reply.

First Novel--Not

I used to think I had a great novel in me. I don't know why, but I did. Then, I realized that writing a novel was a lot of work. More work than I was willing to put into it. So then I thought I might have a short story in me. But, short stories are work too. Now there's blogging. I figure with so many people doing it, how hard can it be?